Becoming a Death Doula
Navigating the transition between life and death
Many people associate the word Doula with birth, but Doulas assist with death as well. The word doula comes from the Greek word doulē, which translates to female helper or maidservant. Working in liminal spaces, Doulas help navigate big transitions. Birth is the transition into breath, while Death is the transition out of breath. Here is a simple description of the ethos of the Doula:
The Doula Role
We come to care not to cure,
To learn from others not to teach,
To walk alongside and not to lead,
To be still and not fill time with words and movement forward
To be in the uncomfortable spaces in silence. - Inspired by Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s 11 tenets of “companioning” versus treating people in grief
Becoming a Death Doula was never part of my life plan. That said, I am very comfortable around death. I’ve always felt this way, and that fact led me on a journey I didn’t expect.
That journey began when I was five. I’d been in kindergarten just two months when our teacher, Mrs. Folger was called out of the room. When she returned she was crying. School ended for the day a short while later, and when Mommy came to pick me up I saw she’d been crying too. Later I heard the news that President Kennedy had been assassinated. Even my Daddy cried that day.
My memories of the days that followed are still vivid. This was my first experience with funerals and as a result I assumed that whenever anyone died there would be a parade, soldiers, caissons, and a riderless horse with backward facing boots in the stirrups. I wasn’t scared or morbidly fascinated. I was interested and curious.
In my family, my siblings and I were always welcome to ask questions. We were seldom, if ever, told what to think, rather, we were expected to think for ourselves. Death was not a taboo subject, it was just another fact of life. The sadness surrounding death was part of the experience, and not to be avoided. For ‘little me’ this was normal.
The first time I was with someone as they died was in 1990 when MomMom, my maternal grandmother Gladys, had a stroke. She was taken to the hospital and would not recover. I was 32, married, and lived the furthest from the hospital, and as a result, I was the last to arrive to see her. When we had each taken a turn visiting with her individually, we all gathered around MomMom’s bed. The male folk had gone to where men go, and we women were holding vigil. As MomMom was leaving I found myself talking to her about her experience and what she might be seeing. Who might be waiting for her? I told her we’d all be ok and would miss her, but we’d take care of each other. She died and yes, I was so sad, and felt grief, but the whole experience of being with her as she died came naturally to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had been her companion, her Doula.
As a Doula, in this case perhaps Your Doula, I help people become better educated about and comfortable with death. Welcome to the ride, I’m glad you’re along. - Carole Silvoy
Got a Question for Carole?
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About Carole
Carole Silvoy is the newest guest contributor to the AMP Substack. She offers a unique perspective on death and dying as a certified Death Doula. Look for Carole in the new year on the AMP podcast when she will be sharing more of her expertise.
In Her Own Words
I am a Death Companion, aka Death Doula. As a Doula, I don't teach, I listen. Doulas help you hear your own truth whether in words or silence. In addition, I am a “Holding Space Consultant.” Holding Space is a time when my focus is on you, what is on your heart and on your mind. I listen, help you hear your own questions and answers. Sometimes we just sit in silence together - It is often enough in a moment to just BE. I hope that I can be a supportive resource for those facing and planning the end of life as well as those in grief.
Website: https://GoodDeathCompanion.com
Substack: Mortality Musings https://carolesilvoy.substack.com/
INELDA: https://inelda.org
DEATH CAFE: https://deathcafe.com
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Carole -- your ability to hold space is one of the reasons that Death Cafe has the core of attendees that it does in the 3D Virtual World.
This is so comforting. Thank you for your guidance. Also thanks for using one of my favorite words, liminal. 🙏🏻💙